New Lesson, Old Story.

The lesson to be learned from yesterday's party and today's aftermath is this; If enough people are telling you something, it's a good idea to listen and realize that there is a good chance that they are right.

Time and time again I realize that sometimes we aren't ready to hear certain truths, so we play the denial game and shut our eyes super tight in hopes of the awful truth making itself disappear. It happened with my first boyfriend The Teacher. Two years flew by when I accepted to be treated with disrespect, demeaned by words and actions, and meant to feel like there was something wrong with me. Countless friends came up to me voicing their concerns on this toxic relationship, but in my mind nothing that The Teacher could do would ever stop me from loving him. Without delving too much into the past, I apologized for so many things that I should have never had to feel sorry for. I spent those two years idolizing him and putting myself down. I believed all of the cruel comments stating that I wasn't worthy of him and that I would never be good enough. All the while my friends were put on ignore as they desperately tried to save me from myself and the way I was being treated. It was embarrassing and frustrating to hear the opinions of my friends, but finally their words sank in.
           You would think that I had learned my lesson after this first fiasco of a relationship, but no. Yesterday I hosted my 23 birthday party. There is nothing like planning a group outing to get your stress levels up. After freaking out all day and text messaging all my guests to make sure things were going smoothly, the moment had finally come. I went to Fuji Ya for a fancy dinner with some of my close friends and then the plan was to go back to my apartment before heading out to the bars. My friend St. Cloud was visiting as well and I couldn't be happier to have her back in my life. I wanted to show her how much I loved living in the city and my circle of friends, but as the night went on my hopes of showing her a great night on the town diminished. The White Knight was also expected to be there, but due to bowling night, not liking sushi, lack of money, and poor communication things went a tad bit off. He had thought that after dinner I was going straight to the downtown bars, so he and his friends went much earlier than planned. After finding this out I desperately tried to rally the troops to correct this mishap.  
         Our Plan of Action: We got our group together, called a cab, waited over an hour and a half, and still no cab. The Knight was getting restless and I was getting more and more upset by the minute. This wasn't what I had planned, but what else could I do while I was stranded at home. Finally I snagged a cab and text-ed my awaiting party at the bar. However as soon as I got in the car I received  news from the Knight that he was ready to leave. Right then and there I was ready to burst into tears and my friends were upset that The Knight and my night was making me upset on my birthday night. I convinced him to stay, but felt guilty that I was held up for so long. As soon as I reached the bar and saw my White Knight I burst into tears. He was clearly stressed and I was about ready to have a panic attack. He told me that him and the therapist (I need a new name for him... if you remember right he is The Knight's roommate and my friend) were going to leave soon. They had waited too long and he suggested I rescheduled this whole night. I about had it. I had stressed all night and day to just get there, for everything to go smoothly, and all my friends to just celebrate with me. As wrong as it is he was the one person I most wanted to be there (clearly all my feelings had not exactly faded), and now he was going to leave? I felt like this night was all my fault. Tiger Lily, noticing I was upset, tried to separate us but that only made The Knight's mood worse. However I was determined to push through this rocky start.
             The night slowly got better as we slammed shots (thanks everyone) and whipped out our trashy dance moves on the dance floor. I failed to notice however that The Knight and his roomie weren't getting along. It was here that the roomie made an exit without telling The Knight, and of course The Knight was planning on him being his ride. This really got the Knight going, so St. Cloud, The Knight, and I decided to call it a night.
   Now I have always known the Knight to have a temper, and yes he may not always talk to me with respect,
but the words that came out of his mouth over the past 24 hours have left me completely stunned. He was upset and angry and used me as his punching bag. In front of my friend after being angry at a joke that I cracked, he used personal and embarrassing information to get back at me. In front of my friend he spoke to me as though I was some cheap, idiot, slut. This is where I finally opened my eyes and saw what my friends had been saying all along. What was the fucking point? Yes I loved him,I do miss him, and I enjoy spending time with him, but when 80 to 90 percent of that time is spent fighting and putting each other down what is the point? I wanted to end my days in Minnesota peacefully, but he is causing me more pain than I can handle for the next month and a half. It is time I started listening to my friends and family and kick this guy to the curb. I love, loved him more than anything. He was supposed to be my White Knight, here to save me, but instead he is leaving me wounded in battle.