"I Know it's Wrong, Hanging on too Long"

Wow- I think wow is the only word that describes last night. I am filled with utter relief, yet sadness. I went over to The White Knights Castle once more to watch some Netflix and catch up on each other's lives. But lately every time we speak I feel like I'm dueling with him over who is right and who is wrong. I feel as though he bombards me with thousands of questions and that my efforts are never good enough. Finally I snapped and decided to confront him about his infuriating ways. "Why can't we just get along" I yelled, until I broke out into sobs exclaiming that I was "exhausted of fighting". I was also frustrated that I couldn't have a serious conversation with the Knight without his roomie, the therapist, stepping in and lending his unasked for opinion on our relationship. I was very proud of the Knight when he finally stood up for me and told the Therapist to stay out of it.

The Knight begged me to stay and sleep "nothing sexual" he added. By this point it was 1:30 am and I was too exhausted emotionally and physically to say no. We laid in bed holding each other, just clinging for something to hold on to. We were wrapped up in each other so tight, just praying that we could put the pieces back together. Super glue us back together possibly, but once severed you can't glue or sew a torn relationship back together. He then began kissing me and I tried to just sway him to go to bed and just enjoy us laying together. However the Knight would not be swayed. He suddenly stopped and asked "Are you not sexually attracted to me anymore?". I paused, trying to think of a way to tread around this answer carefully, but there was no use. "I am attracted to you and physically and sexually everything feels fine, but you know me______, I can't have sex or anything when there isn't emotional tied into it. " I blurted out. He instantly pulled away and rolled over. "You don't feel anything anymore?" he whispered. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I nodded my head, that the romantic feelings has begun to fade. "I don't want to hurt you, but I am falling out of love/like for you." I whispered back. This surprised him. He rolled over and held me even tighter now. He didn't ask for me back. He didn't protest his love, but his silence and his touch said more than words ever could.

We made love for possibly the last time. He wanted me to give him the honor of one last time, but I didn't want this to be an act of pity. He was clinging so desperate to me and my heart broke all over again. It's amazing what the heart can stand. We fell asleep and I couldn't help feeling relieved that I had finally said the words that had been plaguing my mind for so many weeks, but at the same time I don't know if I'm quite ready to dead bolt the door shut quite yet. Maybe some day, if the stars align again (corny, I know) the White Knight and I could make it work. But for now, it is time to start letting go. Change is so frightening.