This stage that we are in confuses me to no end. Maybe it is time to rip off the band aid and let the pain begin. I want to move on. Whether that is with him or with out. I hope he feels the same.
Until Next Time,
Just Another Girl
Thursday, November 3, 2011
I Wish...
Hello Readers,
This is probably the most cowardly blog I have ever written. I am confused and there are so many things on my mind that I wish I could say, but can't find the courage to say out loud. It is pathetic that I am willing to say them here to people I barely know, but not to the man who I have been involved with for two years. (Yes that would be The White Knight) Maybe just writing these thoughts down will bring some clarity to my situation and give me the strength to finally say them to his face.
First of all he keeps sending me all of these signs that he is NOT over me. Doing little acts in hopes (I think) of bringing us closer. These are little acts that only someone who has known him like I have would notice, but none the less his want for me has grown since I began pulling away. Which poses the question; Does he love me or am I just his security blanket? Either way this isn't fair to me or him, and no matter how I phrase this question to him, he avoids it like the plague. He can't take it seriously and I can't ask the question of "Do you love me?" in a way that doesn't sound like I'm the desperate one.
The truth is that I do love him, but I'm moving on. I need more in a relationship that I am not seeing from him. Here is the deal: if he doesn't love me (which I think is case) He needs to let me go. As much as I love the attention, him, and having him all to myself, He needs to move on and allow me to do the same. The thing that I wish most for him is for him to be happy. I would like to see him (maybe not visibly) fall in love and achieve all that he wants in life. I would also like to be happy and not feel as though we are holding each other back. Especially with the likelihood of me moving out of state in a few months time. However if he does love me, well then I am confused. I don't want to say that he is out of my heart quite fully, but there are a lot of things that he would have to prove before I could pull down this wall that I have created between us. The fact is that he broke my heart and I don't know if I have forgiven him for that. He not only broke my heart once by breaking up with me, but twice. He got cold feet and ran away at the mention of those three words. How can he begin to gain back my trust? But most of all before he can love me (if he even does) he needs to begin to love himself.
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I honestly think this is a security blanket, mostly because of his actions in the past. I wouldn't ask him about still loving you, since that's more embarrassing than anything else, but I would point out to him that the relationship you guys have now is not helping you grow and better yourself. And yes, that seems selfish, but being single gives you the right to be. There is nothing wrong with looking out for number one, which is you. Of course he won't be happy with those terms, and he may try anything to keep you around because he's afraid of the reality, but that is not your problem. Your problem is you and your happiness, and doing what you can to get there.
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