Catching Up

Alright folks there is so much to cover so sit back and try to take it all in...


This weekend I was a bad bad girl. The White Knight and I reconnected over drinks, and by drinks I mean several and possibly a few shots of rum and vodka. He gallantly held my hair back as I threw up in the porcelain thrown and it was truly romantic...not. I don't exactly remember how I got into bed except for the flashes of soberness that I want to rub out of my memory. I awoke the next morning with a pounding headache and the Knight beside me. I had done it again and the sad part was that I couldn't even remember it. I slithered out of bed and dressed myself for work, holding back my urge to vomit whatever contents still remained in my stomach. Suddenly as I was pulling on my dress his hand grazed the back of my knee. I feel back on the bed and into his arms like it was nothing. Every harm that he had caused me the weeks and months before were lost as I embraced him. Slowly I could feel that pull to stay in bed with him all day. My feelings that I had been suppressing for weeks crept back into that bed and nestled itself in my chest. All that work for nothing. As we laid there intertwined my alarm clock went off once again reminding me of the cruel reality that day had come and it was time to move on. I forced myself out of bed, grabbed my keys, and went out the door to work.

All I could think about was him. All I wanted to make the hangover subside was him. I wanted the safety of his arms and the reassurance that last night wasn't just a drunken dream. After work I found myself again at his place doing our usual weekend routine Netflix and  cuddling. Life felt right. At least one thing was back to normal. However my mind would not let my heart rest completely. As soon as my heart would flutter my brain  interrupted. This couldn't last forever.

And so here I am again, struggling to make sense of it all. I work everyday to suppress my heart, to tell myself over and over again that it's done. Someday I hope it will sink in. The one thing I do know is that I am more aware now at the truth of where this will lead, and that is nowhere.

So where do I go now?

I get out there.