No Going Back

There has been a strange turn of events lately and the climax of it all happened tonight.

I've been harboring this feeling all week. I've been searching for something to make me feel better. But feel better about what? I went over to The White Knight's house in search of what that something was. Or maybe hope to fill this void that I can't fill. We went into his bedroom and laid ourselves down in his bed and it all just felt so familiar. And then we began kissing like we used to do and it felt so old. It felt like nothing. I kept kissing him, kept searching him for something, some spark, some feeling. But there wasn't anything. It felt different. Things had changed. I kept grasping for something and I just turned up empty handed. I stopped suddenly and asked if we could talk. Suddenly I was spilling my guts out about other men or lack of men. I was trying to put words to my feelings and all that was coming out was nothing. I think the theme that I am seeing here is nothing.

He asked me to stay and to spend then night, but as I lay there tears kept streaming down my cheeks. I felt this overwhelming feeling of loss. Nothing felt right at all. I had to get out. I lay there until he fell asleep and slowly made my way to the door. I kissed him goodbye and knew there was no going back.

This is what I wanted isn't it? This is what I had wished and prayed for, then why does it feel so bad? I thought moving on was supposed to be liberating and exciting, instead its heartbreaking in its own right.
Where do I go from here? Can I still be friends with The Knight? Will I still want to be now that all the glitz and glamour of love have faded? Who is The Knight now that I can see past my infatuation? So many questions and yet no answers. All that I feel is lost and empty.